Unstable
by Haruka-Chan 212
Summary: No Emotion is what Haruka's feeling now. She's been outcasted at school, and lives in the shadows of her foster home. She never thinks she'll live normally again. Not this time of year anyway. Written in first person
1. Prologue No Emotion

Yes...yet another story that I'm starting...I plan to finish this one though, cuz it's written in first person, and I'm getting really good at first person. Cloud van Dyk says so ^_^  
  
She also gave me the idea to use a prologue...to kinda give the background.  
  
Unstable  
  
Prologue - No Emotion  
  
'I feel nothing  
  
No pain  
  
No sorrow  
  
Suffering or hurt  
  
No happiness  
  
No cheerfulness  
  
Smiling or frowning  
  
I have no emotion  
  
I always hurt people  
  
The ones I love  
  
My friends  
  
My family  
  
My girlfriend  
  
Everyone  
  
I pick up a knife  
  
I hold it up to the light  
  
The brightness hurts my eyes  
  
I lower it to my wrist  
  
I start to think  
  
"why do I do this?"  
  
"Who am I hurting more?"  
  
"Myself?"  
  
"Or everyone else?" '  
  
...  
  
I closed my diary after finishing and signing my poem. It truely describes how I felt at the time.  
  
I have no emotion. Nothing broke down my brick wall of emotion. Sadness. Fear. Love. Nothing even remotely came close to leaking through. When ever a hole developed, I'd peek through just long enough to see what had cause it. Then would work to patch it.  
  
I've no reason to keep people out. In fact, I don't know why I keep my impenitrable wall from cumbling.  
  
When I was younger I would play all the time. Be yelled at for needing a change of clothes every hour. I can't help but smile at those days. I had so much fun. Enjoying my days of carefree laughter. Spending hours playing baseball with neighborhood kids. But it all faded.  
  
My life became a haze when my thirteenth year of exsistance came around. I sighed softly, remembering that day without flaw. The day that changed my life forever. The day...I lost my parents. I have scars on my chest and stomach from the accident.  
  
It was nearly midnight, my parents and I were returning from my mother's company Christmas party. I was stretched out across the backseat, drifting in and out of sleep. My parents' conversation was soft, and scarse. I guess they had talked theirselves dry at the party. It helped me try to sleep.  
  
It happened in what seemed a split second. My mother screamed. The car swirved. The impact was hard and sudden. The car hit the tree. I had already blacked out before it slid down the hill.  
  
I woke up, what I was told, a week after the accident. My chest was throbbing. It took several minutes before my eyes focused on the clean bandages. I started crying, images of the wreck flooded my mind. I just wanted my mother then, at that second, but she wasn't around. That only made me cry more.  
  
I'd never forget what the doctor told me. "Haruka. I've got some bad news honey." he had sat down on the edge of my bed and looked at me. I picked it up in his eyes that he was carefully picking his words. "The accident that you and your parents were involved in, a week ago...claimed their lives." I'll never forget that day. When I found out my parents died.   
  
After I recovered from my injuries, they bounced me around from foster home to foster home. Nobody wanted a depressed teenager living with their perfect little families. Seven families came and went, before the eigth family decided to 'keep me' like I was some puppy who pissed all over the carpet all the time. That's what I felt like. And how some of the families treated me.  
  
A middle-aged couple had taken me into their home. It was the eighth family. Their only child, a daughter, had already moved out, and was attending college now. They're very nice to me. They have been, since I was 15, when I first moved in with them. They almost remind me of my parents...Almost.  
  
Ashame I can't be completely open with them. Ashame I can't tell them of my self inflicted wounds... 


	2. Chapter 1 Only a friend?

Unstable  
  
Chapter 1 - Only a friend?  
  
Blasted alarm clock! It's amazing that it's still operational after the numerous times hitting my wall. The chirping was the absolute worst noise to wake up to. Dammit. I let my hand crash down onto the large snooze button. It gave my just fifteen more minutes of much needed sleep.  
  
It's hard for me to sleep this time of year. Five years ago is when my parents died. I often become quiet and distant in school and around my step-parents. Nobody bothers me. Everyone knows to leave me alone.  
  
"Haruka, hon, time to get up for school." Samone popped her head into my room. Her and Jamison cared about my schooling. I guess they want to see me make something of myself. That's what they want. I couldn't care less about my future. The way I saw it...I'd live on the streets if they would let me.  
  
"I know, I heard my damn alarm." That was the angriest I could ever get with either of them. I couldn't bring myself to yell at these people. They'd always been so good to me.  
  
I simply ignored her sigh. I had learned that it was her way to show care and worry for me. I just didn't know sometimes. Samone and Jamison are the only two that care. Nobody else does. Nobody else ever has. Nobody else has ever cared for me.  
  
So little ran through my mind as I dressed for school. Just thoughts of who would give me 'the look.' The look was what I called it anyway. It was nothing more then a blank stare. You know the one you give a person who's just told you something devistating. Where you can't tell if the person giving you 'the look' is angry, disgusted, happy or sad. I hate 'the look.'  
  
Algebra, history, physics, gym. With a lunch hour thrown into the mix there...that was my day, nothing more, nothing less. In that order too. I hate all of my classes. Except for gym, for some reason I enjoy that. I suppose it's because the guys treat me like one of them.  
  
I get 'the look' when I pull into the school's parking lot EVERY single day. Only because of the car I drive. Nobody seems to understand that the Lexus I drive...isn't even mine! It's Jamison's. I just get it because he works at night and gets home at 5a.m. before I leave for school. I'm so used to it though. To pull into the parking lot, everyone stop what they're doing to stare at the white Lexus. Like they've never seen one before. It's not like it's on fire or anything. Damn people...nothing better to do then stare at a lonely girl.   
  
I sigh softly and pull into my usual parking spot, at the far end of the parking lot, where nobody ever parked. So I know I don't have to worry about the car getting hurt. Jamison would ring my neck...Then sue the school. I chuckled to myself at the thought of him going against the board of education. He'd probably win too.   
  
Algebra. Heaven knows I HATE this class. I'm not a math person, never have been...NEVER will be. I took my normal seat in the back of the class, near the window. The window always gave me something to do while Mrs. Cambell bores me to death. The window was my ticket to the deepest thoughts in my mind. A place I never go, unless completely bored, or alone. In this case it was out of boredom that caused me to dive deep into my own mental images. I somehow developed the ability to search through them, for a good image when I wanted...searching for good images, lately, didn't seem to happen much. Not this time of year anyway. Only of the accident. I could never control my mental thoughts this time of year. Just the accident. That's all I could think of. The accident...that damn accident 5 years ago.  
  
Something broke my concentration. As it did every morning in this class. Her name was Michiru Kaiou. I guess you could call her my friend. I haven't known friendship for 5...well...4 years. I met Michiru last year, when I was new to this school. She was the only person that talked to me. She kept me company during these few weeks. She was the only one. Either she was brave, or stupid...or just cared. I don't know.  
  
"Hi Ruka, may I sit with you?" I just nodded, my eyes watching her, even if my head stayed facing the window. "How have you been?"  
  
My eyes strayed over to look at her face. Why the hell did she care so much. I know it's just gonna end up in hurt for her. I can't tell her my deepest secrets. The only thing she knows of me...is that I live with foster parents, and that my real parents died. I could never tell her of my cutting. I couldn't hurt her like that.  
  
During the course of the class period, my eyes traveled to her. What was I thinking! I just wanted to kill myself for such thoughts. Such thoughts...of love. 


	3. Chapter 2 Letter

Unstable  
  
Chapter 2 - Letter  
  
'Michiru,  
  
'You were the first and only person to befriend me when I first attended this school. I don't know how much I could ever thank you. I don't think I'll ever be able to come up with a proper way to thank you. I've had so much going through my mind since my parents died, I guess I'm going to explain everything. To explain what I feel...don't feel...and want to feel.  
  
'You've met Samone and Jamison. They're very good to me. Very nice people I suppose. But I miss my parents. I miss mom and her cooking. I miss our baking parties. My dad always dreaded 'bake-days.' He was never allowed in the kitchen on those days. We'd always need a bath afterwards, because we would be covered in flour. I miss my dad taking me to baseball games. They weren't major league games, in fact there were new players almost every time. I miss the Formula-1 races he took me and my mom to. I loved racing...in fact, I still love racing. I've dreamt of being a world renown racer. I don't think that'll happen though.  
  
'I've had so many things running through my head, so many confusing thoughts. Lately, I just don't care about my grades...or even my life. I know you do, and Samone and Jamison do...but I don't. I'm not smart enough to ever make anything of myself. Just make me a crash dummy or something, I don't care.  
  
'I have my body. I'm too muscular, people think I'm a guy. I hate it. I mean, I have short hair, because I like short hair. You like playing with it. I like it when you play with it. I don't like when you ruffle it though. I'm not a dog Michi.  
  
'I have a secret to tell you. Only because I trust you. Haven't you ever wondered why I refuse to change in front of you. Like when you stay the night or something. It's because I'm hiding something from you. My cuts. No, not the scars from the accident, cuts that I did myself. See...I hate everything, life and the such. I have such a deep hatred for everything. My life, school, teachers, other students...just...everything.  
  
'I have another secret too. As if you aren't shocked enough. I think I'm actually falling in love with someone...You.  
  
~Haruka  
  
I'm not sure what caused me to write this letter. I guess I really did want to get everything out. I'll probably lose Michi as my friend because of this letter.  
  
Carefully, my nervous hands folded up the letter. It had spand two pages, probably because I messed up so much. I couldn't put my thoughts together well. I'm secretly hoping she'll remain my friend after reading this.  
  
Quietly I reached behind me and picked up the stapler off the teacher's desk. I am in physics right now. My grade is stable enough...I didn't need to pay attention.  
  
I stapled the letter closed, to keep the two pages together while they sat in Michi's locker.  
  
When the bell rang, I hurried from my seat. A few people looked at me, it was nothing new. I just knew I had to get to Michi's locker before she did. And then out of viewing distance once she got there. I can't face her about this. Hence the letter.  
  
"Pardon me." my voice was soft as I pushed by people in the hall. Hell...my voice wasn't just soft, it was scared. So many thoughts. 'Would she tell someone?' 'Will she stop talking to me?' 'Maybe she will still care.' 'Maybe she'll start making fun of me for being a dyke.' God I hate when I get like this. I can't make since of anything!  
  
There it is, Michi's locker. Nobody was around it and Michi wasn't in sight. Good. I moved to it and looked down the hall...then up the hall. I was so nervous that she would see me. I looked at the letter once more before sliding it into the slats of her locker. Then hurried off to gym. 


	4. Chapter 3 Gym Class

Yay, an update Enjoy

Unstable

Chapter 4

Gym class was as boring as always. We are playing basketball today, we've been playing it now for almost a month, it's very boring right now. And I cannot seem to get Michiru from my mind. I've got no idea what's running through that gorgeous head of hers at this moment.

I'm so afraid, will she tell someone? Will she completely hate me? There are just so many options.

"Haruka look out!" I looked up just in time to see the ball coming right at my head. Luckily my reflexes are great enough that I was able to reach up and deflect it. The ball just bounced back into play.

"Why do you have to be such a loser Tenou?"

"You should be watching the damned game, not off in lala-land like you always are."

"Stop thinking about those girls that will never touch you, you dirty dyke."

The words flooded my mind, I couldn't tell who they were coming from. It didn't matter, they were all about me. And they were all true. Loser. Moron. Fag. Dyke. It's all true. I'm all of those things. I'm useless...

I stood up from the bleachers and walked out of the gym. I had to get away from those people. I don't care if I get written up, if I didn't leave who knows what would have happened... to me... or to them.

I wiped a stray tear from my cheek as I walked into the bathroom. I didn't hear anything, so I assumed it was empty as I locked the door and moved to a sink. I can't stand to look at my face. My hair is short, and a disgusting blond/brown color. My eyes are teal, and right now, red from crying. I'm so hideous.

Dammit! It was so loud, the shattering of the mirror when I struck it. Knuckles stinging and bleeding, yet I didn't care as I knelt down to pick up a piece of glass.

"Haruka?" Michiru popped her head out of a stall. My heart froze as I was reaching for a larger piece. I just wanted to cut myself. "Ruka ... what are you doing? Ruka stop it!" she grabbed my hand before I could touch the tempting glass that lay at my feet.

She embraced me, staying silent. Tears flooded my eyes, I collapsed against her. I couldn't believe it, she still cared... Maybe she hadn't read the letter yet... I could hope.

"I got your letter. And I want you to know that everything will be ok. I'm here for you."

That smile she gave me, it was different then it had always been. That's when it happened. She kissed me.


End file.
